Monday, 9 March 2015


This one turned out to be quite long....

I got asked today "Why are you doing a boxing class?"... I started boxing last week. In case you didn't know. They weren't being funny with me, it was purely inquisitive. I had complained at my abs hurting when i coughed,  the product of nearly 100 press ups in the space of an hour, not that much... but plus running, planking, sit-ups, wall/squats etc. AND a morning session at the gym... I was in pain. And i was massaging a knot out of my left shoulder.... from a lot of jabs. I said i wanted to tone up and make use of my exercise time, to do something more competitive and productive with it, as i felt the gym wasn't appealing to me anymore. I also explained i used to do self defense classes with an ex partner who did MMA and knew most of the basics so it wasn't brand new to me and i fancied something new. I mentioned i might like to something more with it, maybe get competitive.
And the person said something along the lines of "But aren't you afraid you'll get hurt?" and i was genuinely confused for a minute. It got me thinking. Why am i boxing? Really? Completely? Am i afraid?
Yes, actually, i am. I'm scared of getting hurt. I won't pretend i'm not. That's the whole idea. If i participate in a full/semi contact, combat sport, i understand fully that i'm in a position to get knocked the fuck out.
But that's what will make me good at it. The fear i have of the physical pain, getting hurt in the body and also the fear of failure, losing, or being made to look weak, is exactly what will make me better. If i don't want to fail, i won't lose. Simple.
All i have to do it work harder than anyone else and be better. And seen as i'm the only woman (at 5'31/2 and 120lbs) in a group of around 20 men who average at around 6ft and 150-180lbs, i'm going to have to work hard.
But i realised, it's a strange sort of thing isn't it... This whole, going into a "fight" knowing you'll get hurt and wanting to inflict pain on someone else... I see technique and fitness and angles... I see point scoring and abilities and talent and skill. Then i suppose i see consenting adults who are taking precautions and actually, i thoroughly enjoy it. Always have. Loved watching wrestling as a kid and an adult. Loved MMA even more. I have a competitive nature, and though i'll never be a sore loser, or place bets on myself, i'll happily work hard enough to win a damn boxing match if i can. Just for me!
I'm pretty sure i can take care of myself in a fight, i HAVE in the past, and i'm also 90% sure i can defend myself from an attack, thanks to that same person who taught me the basic self defense stuff, it sticks with you....
Ultimately though, I feel healthier when i'm doing something physical. I was proud of my weight loss. I want to be proud of my physical skills too. I never excelled at dancing, i wasn't the best gymnast, i was on the second team for football and netball and i could barely keep up with my kids in the park for years. I've had a lot of issues with my image and my ability with my physicality since i reached adulthood and i'd like to take some pride in my appearance and make myself stronger. I want to increase my endurance and stamina, i'd love to win the mammy race at sports day again! And i'd like to feel proud of myself for accomplishing something more.
So that's why i'm going to a boxing class.

Friday, 11 May 2012

My Bi-Polar.

So what does Bi-Polar mean to you?
Am i excused from normal conventional behaviour?
Do my explosions and bursts convince you i'm not an avarage person?
Are you scared of me? Scared to offend?
Do i make you think of Mental incapacities and disability and disorders and diseases?
Who am i to you?
When is it ok for me to be down? All the time?
Should i try harder to be 'Normal' ?
Is my behaviour inexcusable?
Why do i act the way i do?
What goes on in my head?
Do you judge me? Admit it if you do. It's not a problem. I don't mind.
What's so different about me?
Do you have Questions?
I'll tell you a story.
I was born.
I have siblings.
I liked to play with toys and read books.
There's no food i don't like. I've never been picky.
I'm interested in Art, Science, Maths, History, Geography, everything.
I listen to all music. I like all people.
I am not vindictive or aggressive..
I love animals and children, i've worked in youth work, nursery, with the elderly.
I have no specific taste in clothing or homeware.
I like bright colours and to change my hair, get tattoos, peircings, to change myself for me.
Sometimes i don't bath for a few days.
I have no specific religion. I beleive in whatever is appropriate to the situation and time. Mostly i call this agnosticism.
I have very little knowledge of Politics but i know what i want for the world.
I am not Racist, Ageist, Sexist, Homophobic or in any way Discriminatory
I like to cook, i have some weird taste, fried egg on spreaded chilli cheese on toast with chives.
I would love to travel but i put my own preferences aside for my family.
I bite my nails and pick my nose and sometimes i scratch my bum.
I don't want a kindle because i like to turn pages.
Sometimes i get so hyper and spirited that i lose whole days at a time where i'm dancing around and playing like and idiot.
I smoke, i like wine, beer and spirits, i've taken drugs and i've been in fights.
I can change nappies until the cows come home but i can't hear or see someone be sick without being sick myself.
I want a big wedding, fun and memorable and a huge dress.
I like rude comedy and horror films. I love incense sticks and strange cubist arts.
I have a cat. And an aquarium which has a lobster.
Sometimes i cry for hours because of the smallest thing.
Sometimes i hate the world and myself and everything for no goodreason
I think i'm normal, though i know technically, on paper, and in other people's eyes i'm not.
This is my Bi-polar. I embrace it. Without my Bi-polar i am nothing. Without me, my bi-polar is nothing.
So do you think i'm normal?
Am i just like you other friends?
Would you want me teaching your children?
Looking after your mother?
Taking your uncle for a walk?
Do i still intimidate you?
Would you buy my book?
Read my blog?
View my art?
Hug me? Kiss me?
Or just pretend i wasn't there.
Think of me as normal.
It's the best way to go about things.