AJ

Aj, short for Alexander James, is my sun and stars.
He was born with little hair like his brother, 3.14 KG, so he was instantly nicknamed Pi.
Blonde and blue eyes, he looks very little like me, or his dad, but the smile and the ears really show you he's one of the family.
A very bright child, can count to ten even though he's not yet two, has hundreds of words, and is started to speak in full sentences.
Likes to cuddle a lot, and kiss, loves tickles and giggles and peek a boo games.
Very polite like his brother, please and thank you are evident in his daily repertoire.
He loves to have his hair and neck stroked, you can't get rid of him once you've started.
Not too keen on animals, much more dependent than his brother and obsessed with megamind and Cars 2.
Easily distracted.
Longest eyelashes i've ever seen on a kid.
Loves fruit and veg, including black olives weirdly, and is very hard to fill up, he'll eat until he's sick.
Sleeps uneasily, but so sweet. He pretends to sleep, with fake snore added in, just to amuse us.
Plays beautifuilly with his brother, kind and sharing.
Always thirsty.
Super inquisitive.
Beautiful.

Sam

My son is the light of my life. Him and the Other one too, but this one is about my eldest.
He's dark and fair, brown hair and eyes, like me, a little spit. A little chip.
He has almond eyes that get so tiny when he smiles people thing he's half Asian.
He speaks with a slight speech impediment, he's three so it's nothing to be concerned about. It's endearing. The Esses don't come out right. More a nasal grunt.
There's a sweetness about him that i've never encountered with a child his age. He likes to cuddle on the sofa and watch films and loves it when you help him to play.
Sam shares his toys, food and time. Everyone is welcome to join in with anything he does. He's inquisitive but not rude, in fact he's very very polite with this please and thank you, pardon, excuse me and bless you.
When he's outdoors he's in his element, a little boy on his bike or scooter, shooting down the slide or playing with a football, but inside he's creative and arty, coloring and writing, reading books and watching informative programmes.
He had a bottle until he turned three and was accepting of it being taken away.
He never slept in my bed after i stopped breast feeding him, very independent.
Never had a problem going to nursery or school, only a small spell of separation anxiety. He picks things up quickly.
He makes friends with ease and will accept anyone.
He eats anything and enjoys it all, especially family meals and sweets, like any child, he loves chocolate.
He's easily ill but never complains. He easily becomes well again too and is vibrant and a delight.
I love him with all my heart.

It'd be great

It'd be great if i had the attention span to keep up blogging but i just don't.
My life consists of laziness and attentiveness in equal measures.
My children take precedence and then my husband. then me. Selfish i know.
I'll admit i'm not a fantastic friend a lot of the time, and i can't blame it all on my illnesses and medications, it's just simply that i have character flaws in that particular part of my personality that disallow any sort of commitment to people outside my immediate bubble.
Lee, Meg and Maw are my first ladies and i love them all with all my heart, but i'm not the best of friends to them, though i try, and when i realize I've made mistakes i do try to rectify them.
I usually fail though.
I hope they love me even though i'm a ditzy cow with mental issues.
It could always be worse i suppose.

Job chance

Things might be looking up.
Looks like i have a voluntary job at The British Red Cross shop in Blyth.
Everyone was lovely, they didn't really seem to know what i was doing there but i just got on with it and seem to have made a good impression.
Managed to burn my finger half off on an industrial style clothes steamer, apparently everyone has done it once at least and they keep burn cream on the scene (!!!!) but i just  manned up.
I worked the till, colour co-ordinated some ties, tidied shelves, fetched and carried, steamed clothes, spoke to customers, folded tights, had a coffee and a chat with some of the ladies and then went off to Dotties for luncha nd saw my mentor Amanda there who suggested i'd probably be asked to retuyrn. I'm very pleased.
Fingers crossed ey?

3

There's Trish.
5'7 and a half, the half is important, glossy dark brown hair, falls in a waterfall down her back to the middle, she wants it long enough to sit on. Size 8-10 on top and bottom, bright blue eyes, rounded chest, narrow hips, flat stomach, really a great figure and she knows it. She has a boyfriend but she'll always flirt on a night out, he knows it too. She works for a packing company but never seems to chip a nail, only a few shifts a week, enough to pay for the drinks and designer clothes, the ones her boyfriend doesn't get anyway. House bills and house work are unknown to her as when she lived with her parents, responsibility has no definition. Loves shoes but can't pull off higher than a kitten heel as she's taller than average as it is. She could live on KFC but tends to stick to weak soups and salads with low calorie dressing. Adores her three sisters and their multitude of children. Doesn't mind snotty noses and smelly nappies, always happy to buy them gifts and play with them. Doesn't want kids herself. Watches a lot of the documentaries on t.v but pays very little attention to anything other than QI, she want's to seem smarter.

There's Annie.
5'4, blonde, highlighted, curly hair, wishes it were straight, also blue eyes but the not so noticeable blue-grey. Size 6 on the bottom, 12 on top, She's got and tiny bum and hips and massive breasts, hates them, wants a reduction and is in the process of wheedling one out of the NHS on 'Sore back' charges. Single, serial monogamist just hasn't found the right one to stay with yet. Last boyfriend cheated, just like the one before that, sometimes has serious self confidence issues. Lives at home with parents. Dying for children, she wants three, two girls and a boy. Names picked out since she was 10 - Ivan, Ilena and Isobella. No particular reason for the alliteration. Takes meds for a early on heart condition. Works for a phone company, on the phone. An irony she thinks as she never upgraded from her original i-phone. Doesn't drink much at all but when she does it's a vodka and soda. Can't stand wine, olives or that continental crap. Likes her Sunday dinner. Wears clothes that are in utter fashion but only when they've gone into the sale and don't cost the world. Reads a lot, mostly Sci-Fi and the occasional Crime Drama novel. Owns a Kindle and a cheap E-book.

Then there's Bernadette.
Bernie to everyone else but her mother. Married, three kids, 5'2, size 14 all round, rounded belly, big hips and sagging boobs. Dark muddy  green eyes and greasy black hair, bobbed at the shoulders but never styled. Wishes it was all cut off but her husband want's her to grow it. Wants to work in fashion, can't draw, hates sewing. Despises the school run but loves breakfast time. Rarely found without headphones in. Could live on fried eggs with toasted waffle. Massive music and movie fanatic, especially Classical and jazz music and action and thriller films, something she knows caught the attention of her now Husband while they were first courting. Can be very old fashioned about morals. The man should be the breadwinner.The woman should cook and clean. Kids names Lou, Matty and Maz. All shortened forms of biblical names though no one in the family is particularly religious. Mary came from a great Aunt on her fathers side. Brought up in a broken home, always wanted a big house and deep carpets, and now she had them.

Three women. Best friends. No questions asked. Forever. Chalk and cheese. Opposites attract.
All these characters could be me. Have been me. No doubt will be me. I've got traits from all. As will many women. You can't judge a book by it's cover or someone by their past. Sometimes people change or they hide things. I know i do. I'd be happy to be any of these women. There's no age limit on them, no pre conceived notions. Not from me. And all of them will and have been and will be judged.
I like making myself new again.

Work

I want a job.
Not just any job, i'm picky.
I want something i can make a difference in.
Of course it could be said that all jobs make a difference, as for whether or not it's a positive difference... well that's a different matter.
MacDonalds doesn't really benefit society does it.
I want to work in the mental health sectors.
I started off volunteering. I applied for an NHs job and didn't even get an interview, so i thought it would be more prudent to get some experience in the feild behind me first.
I mean, i have experience in support work, but this must have called for someone older or more professionally experienced, even though the job description suggested otherwise.
So ive applied for Red Cross and some local teams and heard nothing back at all.
Gutted.
I CANT work in a shop. Or in a bar.
I'll go mad. Missing my kids grow up for something i have no chance of enhancing myself in? No chance of a career? It's not worth it.
I wont even break even if i get a job.
Oh sure, i'll be a 'better member of society' but it wont cover the losses in my benefits. so why work in a pizza shop greasing it up for minimum wage when i'll lose out and have no spare pennies whatsoever to enjoy my time off?
Even when i do have spare cash i want to treat my kids, my husband, myself.
As for anyone looking at this and thinking i'm lazy and i should work for my living, i have disabilities, the world deems me unfit to work in most sectors, my MIND deems me unfit, but i struggle every day with the fact i can't work. Don't work.
I want to work
but not at the cost of my mental equilibrium and an empty pocket.

The little things

It's those little things that you remember forever.
Like how that first morning, which was really an afternoon, he made you chicken super noodles and heinz tomato sauce. He did them in the microwave  with such a small amount of water that they were practically dry, but perfectly cooked. And how you've never eaten noodles any differently since.
Like how you noticed that you matched the first time you met. Pale blue jeans and black hoodies. Short spiky hair cuts and no make-up. Not many other similarities to be fair, but those few things seemed to spell serendipity. Though if he had been wearing make-up, it might not have gone so well.
Like how on a night out, you lost your charm bracelet, the one you're uncle gave you for your 10th birthday and you'd been adding too for 8 years, the little seahorse and the handbag. All gone because you drank too much to impress him. But he went and looked for it the next day, you'd been in the same place all evening, just talking.
Like when you all went on holiday and he took you're make-up bag in his carry on and put your straightners and hair dryer in his bag so you wouldn't be over the limit. He even went and got that plastic see through back and put everything in for you.
Like the music he introduced you too, and the songs that remind you of him, and the songs you knew reminded him of you, so you'd smile and sing along, dance and shout, and maybe cry a little.
Like the texts on the Nokia 3210, the epitome of cool, you couldn't beleive you had one, and you knew he couldn't read the smilies you sent because he didn't have the same phone. But neither of you were tech heads, so it didn't matter what phone you had really, but you played snake while you waited for his replies. Lying back on your mattress and the phone falls straight on your face. Damn.
Like how you knew it would work, because you remembered his birthday every year, even when you were married, and older, even without even being together, or talking, you still thought of him every other day, until the day he died...